Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
