I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize