i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
