here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize