sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
