Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
