He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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