Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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