i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
