Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
