At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
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