i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize