Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
