Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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