I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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