I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
