how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize