Umm I'm too high to move.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
