No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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