I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
