The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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