Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
A bitchslap is in order.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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