I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
