my shit smells like andre
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
