I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
