God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
