You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
