you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Randomize
