the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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