the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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