just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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