I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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