My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
