Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
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