I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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