Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
