dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
