I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
