i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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