It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
