I just cut my nipple shaving
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
