just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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