I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
