the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
