I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
