Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
