I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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