So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I think I won the penis lottery.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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