He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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