matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
