So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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