Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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