Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just threw up on my dentist
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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