Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
I have feelings that need drinking.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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