Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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