T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize