I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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