Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
