Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
