Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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