Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
