haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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