I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
