Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
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