i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
